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Looking backward over the space of nearly sixty years, and reconstructing in my memory the thoughts and incidents of my boyhood from the age of ten until I was well advanced into my "teens", I can now see that I was always a seeker after a something but dimly defined in my mind but which represented a distinct "want" of my nature. That something so early sought after may be said to have been of the nature of an "Inner Secret" of successful achievement and personal power. Just why I should have come to the conclusion that there really existed an Inner Secret of Success and Personal Power—a something which when once known enabled one to achieve successful results in whatever was undertaken by him—I do not know. Perhaps it was the manifestation of an intuition; perhaps it was the result of a suggestion which I had absorbed from reading. At any rate I now see that the idea had become fixed in my consciousness, and that it colored all my youthful thought.
I soon noticed that certain men seemed to possess some secret power which enabled them to "do things" and to step out from the crowd. I noticed that men lacking this power never were able to accomplish anything worth while, and were apparently doomed to remain in the crowd of those of mediocre attainment and commonplace achievement. I inquired diligently of my elders concerning the subject of this secret power, but my inquiries were answered either by sage reproof or else by suggestive shrugs of the shoulders. My mother assured me that success was the reward of honesty and morality. My father assured me that success was the reward of perseverance and hard work. One of my uncles told me that it was "something about" some men that made them successful, but that that "something" was beyond human knowledge—said he: "You either have it, or you haven't it, and that's all there is to it". My uncle was not in the ranks of those who "had it", I may add.
Applying my mother's standard, and measuring the successful men I knew, as well as the unsuccessful ones, I soon came to see that honesty and morality, while quite excellent things, were not the infallible causes of success. I saw that there were some very honest and quite moral men who were far from successful—there must be something else needed, thought I. In the same way, I discovered that while perseverance and hard work were important personal characteristics, nevertheless, they did not always bring success; I knew many persevering and hard working men who were cursed with poverty and failure—here, again, thought I, the Inner Secret must be looked for elsewhere.
So, finally, I came to accept, at least partially, my uncle's notion that the Inner Secret was to be found in that "something about" individuals which destined them for success. But, try as I would, I couldn't get over the idea that that "something about" such individuals might be acquired even when not originally possessed by the seeker after success. This idea, also, must have been more or less the result of intuition, for it was contrary to all that I was told by those around me who asserted the existence of that inner "something" in persons which made for success. So I began to read the popular accounts of the lives of successful men, in hopes of stumbling upon that Inner Secret.
I remember very well that about this time I was greatly attracted by a book which one of my cousins had bought at a circus—it was entitled "The Life of P. T. Barnum", and was in the nature of an autobiography of that once very well known showman, who was really something more than a mere showman. As I now remember the book, it was much better than many of the later books written for the purpose of pointing out the Road to Success. It told of the successive rises and the several falls of that capable man; of how he won success and lost it afterward—lost it several times, in fact—only to win new success by the power of faith in himself and by n intelligent hard work.
Barnum included in this book his celebrated lecture upon "The Art of Money-Getting", which, in its way, was an excellent treatise upon worldly wisdom. But of far greater value, in my eyes at least, was the expression of an inner faith and belief in himself on the part of old "P. T." (as we boys called him). It seemed to me as if this man had in some way tapped a vein of something savoring' of an Inner Secret, which carried him on to Success—though he seemed unconscious of that fact and attributed all the credit to himself and his traits of character.
I remember that I was so impressed by this idea that, about a year later, when the big show was in our town, I called upon Mr. Barnum at his hotel and asked him about it. He disclaimed any such "something", however, although somewhat confusedly admitting that there "might be something to it, if we knew more about it"; he urged me to "work hard, save your money and use your wits". As I left him, glancing backward over my shoulder, I saw a strange expression. on his face, and a wistful look in his eyes. "That man knows more than he is willing to tell", thought I.
I read Samuel Smiles "Self Help", and other books of that kind; all of these preached excellent sermons on Thrift, Work, Economy, etc., accompanied by convincing illustrations drawn from the lives of successful men. All this advice was good—some of it I afterward greatly profited by—but my missing Inner Secret was not to be found there. Afterward, I read accounts of the lives of great statesmen, warriors, and merchant princes, and obtained useful information from them—but there was no mention of the Inner Secret there, either.
All that I could get out of the subject from my reading seemed to be that certain habits and characteristics made for success—self-confidence being one of the most important of these. But, nevertheless, I seemed to have even more clearly fixed in my mind the fact that there was, indeed, a "something about" these individuals which, if one could but also acquire it, would make him successful.
By this time I was in my early twenties, doing reasonably well in the way of working my way up the ladder of business success as an employee. My quest for the Inner Secret was unabated. In spite of all the sage advice concerning the rules of success which was freely bestowed upon me by older men—principally by my employers—I still clung to my belief in the existence of such an Inner Secret, although at times my reason reproved me for so doing. The ordinary rules did not seem to account for the results, although they were useful adjuncts, I thought. Neither would I for a moment accept the conclusion that "it is all luck" which was the final report of many of my associates in social and business life. I still believed in "that something about" certain persons, and I felt a keen desire to learn the Inner Secret of that something.
As I grew older I came in contact with a number of comparatively successful men, and I lost no opportunity of tactfully sounding them concerning this subject. Most of them, at least at first, pooh-poohed the idea; but afterward, in moments of unusual confidence, a number of them somewhat reluctantly and almost shamefacedly acknowledged to me that at times they were convinced that there was "something about" them, or rather "something outside or above" them, which aided and assisted them in their success—something which inspired and guided them often in spite of their own previous ideas and convictions concerning their course of action. This was rather a new idea to me, or, at least, a variation of my old idea. I determined to investigate the matter further.
As I grew still older, and was thrown more and closer in contact with men of affairs and of prominence in the world, I found that in the secret heart of most of them there existed a silent, indefinite, but still strong feeling that there was a "something outside" which was "on their side", and which was always working silently in their behalf—a brooding Something which was a fount of strength and an unfailing resource. This seemed to be the fundamental idea—the essence of the thought or experience; but nearly all of these persons had each his own interpretation of the essential fact.
Those of strong religious convictions held that "the Lord is on my side; He has been good to me, and always has responded to my call". Others seemed to believe in a Favoring Destiny, or even a "lucky star". Others spoke vaguely of "higher powers", or "beings on the other shore", who were working in their behalf.
Others had rather gross superstitions concerning the case—incredible superstitions they seemed, considering the standing of the men holding them. One and all, however, held that "that something about" them was really a "something above" them in which they had come to believe and to trust, by reason of their own experience in the matter.
A few points, however, were impressed upon my mind, in connection with these cases, namely, that (1) the greater the degree of faith in the "something above" held by the individual, the greater seemed to be his degree of success attributed to such influence; (2) that it seemed to make but little difference just what the person believed to be his beneficent and powerful "something above", provided that he believed in it—whether it was Divine Providence, Destiny, or a Magic Charm, it seemed to "work" provided that he believed in it "hard enough"; and (3) that the more faith and belief the person had in that "something", the greater grew his faith and belief in himself.
When the person got to believe that the "Something" and himself were in partnership, the former as silent partner, and himself as active partner, then the firm became a mighty one, and he, himself, as the outward front of the combination became filled with self-confidence and self-reliance. It was all merely the variation of the old theme of "Gott und Ich", "Gott mit uns", or "The Lord is on my side", notwithstanding the fact that the idea of the helpful Supreme Being was absent in the conception of many of these firm believers in the "Something".
I sometimes thought that if one of these persons firmly believed that "Something" to be an old brass door-knob, and provided that he believed in it implicitly just as the others believed in Providence, or in Destiny, or in "My Lucky Star", then that door-knob would "do the work" for him in like manner.
In short, I came to the conclusion that the "Something" was Unknown—perhaps Unknowable—and that the verbal, ideal or physical symbols employed by various persons to represent it, and by them believed to be the thing itself, were really what might be called "points of contact" with that, Transcendent Reality, by means of which there was established a sort of condition of "rapport" between the individual and that "Something".
But, in spite of all of my speculations and theorizing about the matter, the thought never occurred to me that this "Something" might be found within the being of the individual himself, rather than "about" or "above" him. I seemed to have a mental or spiritual "blind spot" which caused me to ignore that immediate source of Reality and Power—that Something Within. I don't know how I happened to miss this important point, but miss it I did. I was like the man who fruitlessly sought all over the world for many years for a certain buried treasure, only in the end to find it in the garden around his own home to which he had returned in his old age. Or, like the shipwrecked crew, parched with thirst and dying for want of water, who had unknowingly entered into the extended current of a great sea-flowing river, and who perished though they had but to dip their pails over the side of their boat.
So, accordingly, I sought on all sides and from all sources to obtain a knowledge of this mysterious "Something" in which was vested the Inner Secret of Success and Personal Power. I investigated the various "new" metaphysical cults which were coming into prominence even at that early day, but I found in them merely a more or less fantastic and fanciful application of the principle of which I have spoken. They obtained results, of course—all of them, in spite of their conflicting dogmas and theories. Each claimed to possess the Inner Secret, and to have the one and only truth—yet all obtained results in about the same measure.
It seemed to me here, as in the other cases mentioned, that these people were but employing symbols by means of which, to some degree, they managed to "contact" the Something—they were employing different kinds of brass door-knobs, that's all, it appeared to me.
I could have obtained a measure of good results by adopting the methods and beliefs of some of these folks, just as I could have obtained the same by adopting some of the various methods and beliefs of some of the successful business men, and men of affairs, whom I have mentioned. But these (to me) mere "brass door-knobs" were not sufficient. I refused to temporize or to compromise with Truth-I wanted the Truth, the Whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth, and would be satisfied with nothing short of that. I was stiff-necked necked and stubborn—but I was unable to act otherwise.
And so, I continued my Quest for' the "Something"—for the Inner Secret. From the "new" metaphysical schools, and the quasi-religions or pseudo-religions based upon the same general principles, I passed on to the numerous so-called "occult" and "mystic" cults which were even then found in considerable number, though not in the great variety manifested in after years. I found that these were for the most part mere re-hashes of the philosophies of Ancient India or 'of Ancient Greece, often garbled and distorted by reason of the ignorance of their founders or teachers. Brushing aside the superficial coverings, I found in them also but the effort to "contact" a "Something" by means of verbal or formal symbols. "Merely some new varieties of brass door-knobs", thought I.
I could have obtained benefit by employing the methods of some of these schools, or cults—for undoubtedly they had "gotten hold of something", as a practical business friend of mine once brusquely stated it. But I felt that while this was probably so, still even the "head ones" seemingly did not know just what it was which they had "gotten hold of"; and in their endeavors to build up a philosophy or an organization upon the results obtained by their methods, they often lost entirely the original spirit of the Something, and buried the whole thing under a heavy rock of form and dogma, upon which they took the exalted place of the "marble figger" of claimed absolute authority. I was not satisfied with this—I wanted to get back to the Original Source!
I took up the study of the leading philosophies, ancient and modern, oriental and occidental; here I found much to exercise my intellect, and to enable me to know that I did not know, and why I did not know, and how to discover philosophical error and fallacy. But, otherwise, there was no awakening of Intuition, and no arousing of Inner Experience—all was on the surface of Intellect. I had failed to find my "Something," of which an ancient sage said: "When THAT is known, all is known."
But, all the more, I became convinced that such "Something" existed, and might be found by him who knew how and where to look for it. I felt that its doors were capable of Hying open in response to "The Right Knock." I had looked everywhere but Within—and I did not know the talismanic Right Knock. All the time, however, as I now see it, I was preparing myself for the Truth when it should be revealed to me. All the time, I was treading the Path which led to Truth. I do not regret a single incident or stage of my journey, or a fact of my experience.
* * * * *
As the years passed by, and while I was pursuing the investigations of which I have spoken, I was far from neglecting my material or "worldly" affairs. I was regarded as an intelligent worker along the lines of my vocation—and a hard worker as well. I applied all of the accepted and tested rules of Worldly Wisdom—all the Rules for Success announced by the "practical" men of the world—or at least the essence and substance of them separated from the non-essential and incidental. I had met with a fair degree of success, as such is usually measured. I had my "ups and downs", always coming "up" after a "down", I am glad to say. In short, I was the fair average of the reasonably successful ambitious man nearly forty years of age.
But, in my heart I knew that I had failed, inasmuch as at the best, I was only a fair, average, commonplace successful man of affairs—there were thousands of others like me, some a little better and some a little worse. I had done nothing which seemed to me to be worthy of the powers which I felt should be innate within me.
I was still in the crowd—I had never been able to step very far out of it, never more than a foot or two at the most. The dreams of my youth were unrealized. My secret ambitions were still nothing more than hopes. While I was spoken of as a worthy example of reasonable success, and though I was favorably regarded by those "higher up", yet I knew in my heart of hearts that I had done nothing really "worth while"—that according to my own standards I was a failure. Worst of all, I had failed to find that "Something" which was "about" or "above" persons which served as their inspiration and touchstone of success—I had failed in my Quest of the Inner Secret.
* * * * *
About this time, shortly before I had reached the age of forty years, the Deluge overtook me. I seemed to be the victim of a malicious fate, and at the mercy of sardonic, cruel supernatural forces. Everything that I valued in the material world was swept away from me by a series of avalanche-like happenings. By reason of circumstances apparently beyond my control, and through causes seemingly beyond inclusion in any possible previous calculation on my part, there were set. into motion a series of events which when they reached the field of my interests had attained the force and destructive motion of a tornado. It seemed like the happening of the impossible. All circumstances seemed to conspire for my destruction.
My business prospects were ruined. My investments were wiped out. My social and business standing was destroyed. My business passed into other hands. By reason of quite unfounded and unjust accusations, seemingly supported by an almost diabolical chain of circumstantial evidence, my good name was almost lost, and the respect of my business and social associates was seriously jeopardized.
My family was alienated from me; my children felt that I had disgraced them; my life-companion believing the slanderous tongues of those who were arrayed against me, and refusing to allow me to explain away the ugly appearances and circumstances connected with my downfall, insisted upon a legal separation which afterward was made permanent. Yet I was as innocent as a babe concerning the offenses charged against me. Time has since fully vindicated me in the eyes of the public, and in the courts of the law—the mills of the gods have ground to dust my enemies and unjust accusers. But, at that time, I seemed destined to utter ruin.